More Than Words
by pleasing-phoebe
Summary: PhoebeCole story. The two exchange letters about how they feel... what they find out could change everything. [UPDATED on 4th Jan 07 chapters 3 to 5 added]
1. Chapter 1

Plenty.

'Dear Cole,

How can I say this to you…?

_I looked into your eyes,_

This isn't a pity letter, or a letter asking you to take me back.

_They told me plenty that I already knew._

I feel that to get over you, I have to tell you so many things.

_You never felt a thing, so soon forgotten all the things you do._

I will always love you. There's no changing that simple fact.

_In more than words I tried to tell you,_

But I know that though our love was strong, it was not enough.

_The more I tried I failed._

It hurts to write these words to you, Cole.

_I would not let myself believe that you might stray,_

If you only knew how much I still care for you, wherever you are.

_And I would stand by you no matter what they'd say, I would,_

Yet there are certain things that I need to explain to you.

_I thought I'd be with you until my dying day… until my dying day._

After you left – for good I mean – I did a lot of thinking.

_I used to think my life was often empty._

Everything we'd been through made me so much stronger, as a person.

_A lonely space to fill._

The hurt, the lies… all the pain.

_You hurt me more than I ever could have imagined_

Still I have so much to thank you for.

_You made my world stand still._

You showed me that even though it hurts, letting go is sometimes the best thing we can do.

_And in that stillness, there was a freedom_

I found that love can come in so many shapes and forms; you just have to be open to them.

_I never felt before_

And even though I always said I hated you,

_I would not let myself believe that you might stray_

A part of me will always wish,

_And I would stand by you no matter what they'd say_

That some way, some how,

_I thought I'd be with you until my dying day… until my dying day_

We could be together once again.

_Until my dying day._

With my love, as ever,

_Phoebe xxx'_

Phoebe read through the letter as she sat at her dresser in the dark. Next to her was sat a box full of memories, pictures of her and Cole together, ticket stubs from movies, little things he had given her. She sifted through it for a moment, checking all her fondest memories were still there. Looking at the glowing face on her alarm clock, she saw that it was still only three am. Three am, and her soon-to-be husband was still not home. She gave a small sigh, and sealed the envelope with her letter inside.

Silently, she crept down the stairs to the living room. The fire she had lit in the hearth was still burning, the embers flickering, refusing to burn out. She kissed the back of the envelope, then threw it onto the fire. She watched as the fire consumed every part of it, and found herself reminded of her love for Cole; that intense, fiery passion that refused to die, just like the embers in the fire. As she made her way back to bed, she did not see his shadow that flickered across the room. She did not feel his presence in the room. She did not see the remains of the letter fall out of the fire. She did not hear his soft sigh as he read her letter. And when she finally fell asleep, she did not feel his feather-light touch that caressed her cheek so gently. She would not let herself believe.

_A/N and Disclaimer: I don't own Phoebe or Cole. I just use and abuse them._

_Awww how sweet! This is just a one-time thing… except maybe I could do Cole's reply if my reviews are good enough. Ciao for now, my pretties!_


	2. Chapter 2

Yours, Forever.

'My darling Phoebe,

Words can never express how much I still love you. Ever since the day I finally left for good, I have thought up a million ways to bring you back to me, but somewhere deep inside me I believe that this may never be.

Before I say anything more, let me just tell you the one thing you must always remember – I will never stop loving you. The memories of our love, the memories of our passion, they are what has saved me from my intended demise. Our love was stronger than anything I had and have yet to experience, and for me our love is still alive. I only have to think of you, to speak your name, that familiar sense of falling returns, and my heart beats so hard I fear it will explode.

I leave you with these words of advice: do not forget me, for I am always here. When you go to bed at night, alone, think of me and I shall be there. If you ever feel unloved, remember us, and I will be there. When you are sad, or scared, and feel all hope is gone, imagine that I am there next to you; I always have been and I always will be.

Yours, forever.'

He left the note on her dresser a few days later, and hoped she would look. Hoped she would not brush it off as a sisterly prank. He hoped beyond hope. Turning to look at her sleeping form, peaceful and serene, he felt a deep longing inside him. He wanted her to look at him, to smile at him, to feel her warmth surround him. Carefully, he made his way towards her bed.

She sighed gently as he lay next to her, taking in her scent and basking in her beauty. He touched her cheek, and her lips twitched into a small smile. He closed his eyes, and let himself think back to the old days, back to when he had still been her one and only. He knew that things could never be the same again, but as he rested his hand against her cheek, softly illuminated by the moonlight, he thought that maybe he could try again… but as the moonlight shone through his hand, he knew that would not be the case.

_Listen as the wind blows,_

_From across the great divide,_

_Voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time._

_The night is my companion, and solitude my guide,_

_Would I spend forever here, and not be satisfied?_

He heard her sigh once more, and he gently placed two ice-cold lips to hers. She could not possibly have felt them, but she seemed to know of their presence, and responded almost without knowing it. He could not bring himself to move away, and he placed a hand on her waist. She rolled away suddenly, and he felt himself come back into contact with the bed. He gently smoothed some of her hair where it had become tangled by sleep, and felt himself weakening once more.

_And I would be the one, to hold you down,_

_I'll kiss you so hard,_

_I'll take your breath away,_

_And after I'll wipe away the tears,_

_Just close your eyes dear._

To stop himself from doing anything more, he stood up reluctantly and stood in his usual corner. He would stand there all night sometimes, making sure she was comfortable and safe when Coop was not there. Often he would sit next to her and gaze at her prone form, smiling as she kicked out. His smile would fade when she would kick out at him, and he felt it go right through his non-corporeal form.

_And through this world I stumble, so many times betrayed,_

_Trying to find an honest word, to find the truth enslaved._

_Oh you speak to me in riddles and you,_

_You speak to me in rhymes,_

_My body aches to breathe your breath,_

_Your words keep me alive._

_And I would be the one, to hold you down,_

_I'll kiss you so hard,_

_I'll take your breath away,_

_And after I'll wipe away the tears,_

_Just close your eyes dear._

Lost in his thoughts, he did not notice the early light of morning as it crept through the crack in the curtains. It was only when he felt a warm sensation on his back that he saw the rays of harsh winter sunshine as they shone through the wintry fog and onto the fresh fallen snow.

_Into this night I wander, it's morning that I dread,_

_Another day of knowing of the path I fear to tread._

_Oh, into the sea of waking dreams I follow without pride,_

_Cos nothing stands between us here, and I won't be denied._

_And I would be the one, to hold you down,_

_I'll kiss you so hard,_

_I'll take your breath away,_

_And after I'll wipe away the tears,_

_Just close your eyes dear._

He knew he would not last much longer. He took one last look at Phoebe, and closed his eyes as his apparition slowly slipped from view. Just after he left, she opened her eyes and spoke only one word.

"Cole."


	3. Chapter 3

Dreaming.

Phoebe rubbed her eyes sleepily. She looked around her room, swearing she caught the glimpse of a familiar shadow in the doorway, and fell back onto her pillows. What a strange dream, she thought. The idea of it is completely absurd… but that kiss felt so real. Those icy lips had burned against her skin so passionately, and his touch had been so hot and welcome… She shivered slightly and pulled the covers up to her chin. It was then that she spotted the note.

At first, she thought Coop had dropped in during the night and left her a message as he sometimes did when he was on an errand, but she knew inside her it wasn't the case. Grabbing her dressing gown from the chair next to her bed, she got out of bed feeling inquisitive. She felt the cold, but did not let her mind dwell on it. But as soon as Phoebe touched the note, the lurching in her stomach prompted her premonition. What she would see would change her world forever.

Cole was stood next to an altar, smiling sadly at her. She felt her mouth smile back, and looked down at herself. She was wearing a beautiful wedding gown, exactly the kind she had always dreamt of wearing. But next to Cole stood Coop, in a tuxedo with a flower in his lapel. Phoebe's heart plummeted as she realised it was her wedding to Coop, not to Cole; the man she loved, trusted, wanted with an aching need. She heard herself saying, 'No, no!' as Cole slowly disappeared, and then her vision ended.

Gasping for breath, Phoebe pulled out of her vision and waited until the world had returned to focus. She read the letter once, twice, three times over, checking she could not have been deceived by somebody's clever copy. Then, she pulled a piece of paper out of her dresser and grabbed a pen. She needed to write a letter.


	4. Chapter 4

Your Words In My Memory.

'Dear Cole,

If you received my last letter, then a miracle must have happened. Hell, it was a miracle I received one from you. Although, I never did quite believe you were dead. You aren't the kind of guy to give up without a fight.

It's still hard to get through days without you. I try and tell myself I don't care, but in my heart I know I do. I think Coop does too – he's terrified of that part of me he knows nothing about, that unreachable inch of my being that so craves to be held by you again, to be kissed by you again. Your letter reminded me of that place, and I realised how long it has been since I visited it last. I miss that place, my love. Is calling you that a betrayal? Am I betraying Coop by loving someone else?

_I find the map and draw a straight line_

_Over rivers farms and state lines_

_The distance from a to where you'd b_

_It's only finger lengths that I see._

_I touch the place, where I find your face_

_My fingers in creases, of distant dark places._

_I hang my coat up in the first bar,_

_There is no peace that I've found so far_

_The laughter penetrates my silence_

_As drunken men find flaws in science_

_Their words mostly noises_

_Ghosts with just voices_

_Your words in my memory are like music to me._

I know in my heart I love you still. I love you more every day, the memory of what passed between us still strong. You always said that absence makes the heart grow fonder – well, I cannot bear another day without you. Every night in my dreams, you're there beside me, comforting me. Is that what you meant in your letter when you said you were always there with me? Or do I dream it all?

_And miles from where you are,_

_I lay down on the cold ground and I_

_Pray that something picks me up_

_And sets me down in your warm arms._

Here's a stupid fact: I had a dream that you really were there last night. You kissed me, and your icy lips burned like fire against my own, bringing back so many thoughts and feelings I thought I'd buried with your final vanquishing. Apparently, a love like ours doesn't wish to die like that. I hope our love never dies.

_After I have travelled so far_

_We'll set the fire to the third bar_

_We'd share each other like an island_

_Until exhausted close our eyelids._

_And dreaming could go from_

_The last place we left off._

_Your soft skin is weeping,_

_A joy you can't keep in._

_And miles from where you are,_

_I lay down on the cold ground and I_

_Pray that something picks me up_

_And sets me down in your warm arms._

I seal this letter with a kiss, one I wish I could give to you. That, unfortunately, could never be. But please, come to me soon. I miss you so much, and the more I miss you the more it hurts. I need you.

Love,

_Phoebe xxx'_

With trembling fingers, Phoebe slid the letter into an envelope and sealed it, kissing the back of it as she had promised in her letter.

That day dragged on longer than any day she could remember. As soon as she had finished work, and night had begun to fall, she set a fire in the living room, and sat and watched as it burned. Eagerly, she threw her letter into the fire and crossed her legs as she sat on a comfy armchair, watching the letter becoming ash in the flaming fingers of the fire's caress.

_And miles from where you are,_

_I lay down on the cold ground and I_

_Pray that something picks me up_

_And sets me down in your warm arms._

"Please, God. Please let him get this letter." As her eyes gently closed in sleep, a shadow picked the letter from the grate and disappeared.


	5. Chapter 5

Only You.

'My dearest Phoebe,

So you knew it was me. Well that's a weight off my mind! I worried that you would think it was a lie of some sort; a sisterly prank perhaps. I take it somehow you knew it was me, a premonition or something I guess.

_What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage?_

_Created you a monster, broken by the rules of love,_

_And fate has led you through it; you do what you have to do,_

_And fate has led you through it; you do what you have to do,_

_And I have the sense to recognise that I don't know how to let you go._

I didn't know you still felt that way about me; about us. I spend every moment I can either here, writing to you, or being with you in my own little way. If you want to know where I am, then look into the right corner of your room, opposite your bed. That's where I'll be, when I watch over you on the nights when Coop is working and you are left alone. Sometimes, I'll even lie next to you and pretend that my presence comforts you somehow. I think this act comforts me more than it does you.

_Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul,_

_I'm ever swiftly moving trying to escape this desire,_

_The yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do,_

_The yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do,_

_But I have the sense to recognise that I don't know how to let you go._

I never thought it would be us doing this. I'm dead, and you're engaged… we both know it's not right, and that we shouldn't be doing this. Desire makes even the most cynical of men irrational, and I dread the very thought of Coop finding out about this. Please, tell me how you feel about this when you write next. That's another thing I dread – your reply. I'm slightly scared as to what you will say, so promise me this; you won't sugar the pill. I couldn't bear it if you did.

_A glowing ember, burning hot, burning slow,_

_Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you,_

_Oh, I know I can't be with you; I do what I have to do_

_I know I can't be with you; I do what I have to do_

_And I have the sense to recognise but I don't know how to let you go_

I love you.'

The letter lay on the pillow next to Phoebe's head, and Cole knew his job was done, but he could not resist one last look at his beloved Phoebe, who for the past two nights had sat awake for as long as she could, watching the corner for a sign of him. He had stood there silently, unmoving, and watched her drift off to sleep before disappearing into the darkness once more. If she was to see him, he wanted to be corporeal; he wanted to be able to feel, to taste, to smell everything that passed between them in that meeting, even if it would only be the touching of hands and a whispered greeting. As morning broke once more, he whispered gently the last three words of his letter in her ear, before letting himself slowly disappear.

_I don't know how to let you go,_

_I don't know how to let you go…_


End file.
